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Stop and Think
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Recently, in my work with families, I encountered two situations where fathers became so infuriated by their teenage daughters that they chose to use physical force to get their messages across. Both of these fathers love their daughters and want the best for these girls. And in both cases, the girls brought this level of anger and physical aggression into their lives, because they chose to behave in a manner that was deemed disrespectful by their fathers.
When a father tells himself that his daughter is being disrespectful, he gives himself permission to be even more disrespectful towards her. When a father tells himself that his daughter is doing her best to express her frustration at him in that moment, he may have a different approach. He may find himself curious. He may discover that his daughter has some opinions and beliefs that are different than his own. He may learn about who she is in that moment and what is most important to her. The stories we tell ourselves about our children and how they "should" behave towards us often cause us to react emotionally and irrationally towards them. We react to the story instead of the child, and then we miss out on some great opportunities! Without the story, there are all kinds of possibilities. For this, I find myself returning to the puppy analogy of last week. When my husband tells himself the story that our puppy is being disrespectful when he does not come when called, my husband becomes furious and yells at the puppy in such a way that the last thing that dog wants to do is get anywhere near him. On the other hand, when my husband tells himself the story that our puppy is being playful and being a dog, he then comes up with all kinds of creative, engaging, and fun ways to entice the dog to join him - by making himself more intriguing and interesting than the noises in the bushes. With a dog, it is easy - you know how they operate. With kids, we make it so much more complicated by all the beliefs we have about what they should or shouldn't be doing; how they should treat us; and most of all, how it reflects on us as parents when they behave in certain ways. Without the beliefs about how kids "should" be, you discover a lot more enjoyment and freedom in being with your kids, however they behave. Then, from that place, really effective parenting can begin. When you parent from a place of reactivity to their behaviors, you've lost and they've lost. |
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Action StepsNext time you find yourself "triggered" by one of the kids in your household - STOP. Do not DO anything. Look at the child (and, remember, it is just a child) and say "No Problem" and walk away. Give yourself some time to:
If you find yourself challenged by the above Action Step, contact me at to schedule a coaching session to get you unstuck.  Wishing you and your blended family all the best, Emily Bouchard, founder, www.Blended-Families.com |
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·145 Tyee Dr. #1526 · Point Roberts, WA 98281
Expertly created and promoted by Website Promotion Experts, Inc.
Graphic design by Illusive Design - Contact Us Sales Policy Affiliates