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Step Wars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies -
Part 2

A Book Review by Sheena Berg


Dr. Gabe and Dr. Lipman-Blumen have identified five common anger issues,described as the Five Furies, that surprisingly, both the parental couple and adult children share.Although these basic fears and concerns are important factors in stepparent relationships, there are opposing views about who causes the problems.
  • Fear of Abandonment and Isolation. The fear of losing a relationship that you depend on for emotional and/or financial support.
  • Fidelity to Family. Concern about changes in loyalty, especially when members of the original family worry that the parent will lose his or her old loyalty after remarriage, when stepchildren feel the new spouse's family has too much influence, or when either spouse feels there is too much loyalty to the old family.
  • Favoritism. Concern about who is number one in each family and whose wishes are given top priority.
  • Finances. Fear among adult children that they may lose money or property that they were expecting, and for parents, the notion that their adult children care more about their inheritance than about the parent.
  • Focus on Self to the Exclusion of Others. Anger that a parent or an adult child is concerned only about her or himself and no longer cares about others.
Step Wars is divided into manageable chapters covering every important topic and issue in adult stepfamilies. The wedding itself, the role the new spouse should play whether the joiner, the guardian angel, the unifier, the indifferent, or the distancer, opportunities and dangers, issues around combining households, adult children's ties to the family home, step sibling relationships, grandchildren, division of property, and holidays celebrations and commemorations.
• Download Blended-Families.com's interview
of Dr. Grace Gabe &
Jean Lipman-Blumen on Overcoming Step Wars
for only $19.95.
The most important part of the book explains 8 essential skills that are needed to help parents and adult children deal with the Five Furies. These are effective strategies to help resolve conflict and labeled Tact and Tacking Skills. Tact because it is a diplomatic skill utilizing thoughtfulness and caution and Tacking, which is a nautical term to signify reaching a destination in a series of moves, each at an angle, rather than in a straight line.
  • Reframe the Issue:
  • Let time pass
  • Become an observer
  • Use tenacity to maintain and defend your core values
  • Trade and negation, or give and take.
  • Forgiveness, Empathy Apology, and Tolerance
  • Practice transformation through wisdom
  • Practice turning away from the problems and letting go.

Action Step

This is a must read for anyone in an adult stepfamily, whether biological parent, stepparent or adult child. It is an excellent and practical guide to help avoid pitfalls, to repair past damage, to maintain healthy relationships and to help everyone enjoy an adult step family experience.

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