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Conscious Step Dating
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First of all, what is Step Dating and why should you know about it? Step-Dating is dating that occurs when one or both people involved have children. It is unlike other dating because it automatically involves more than just the two of you and the needs and welfare of children are immediately involved. Given the high rate of divorce and separation, there is a good chance that many people will find themselves in a dating relationship involving either their own or another person's children, so it is wise to have some basic knowledge of what to expect in a Step-Dating relationship. Learning about the unique challenges of Step-Dating can be the difference between having a successful or unsuccessful relationship. Beyond that, it is essential that couples embrace the magnitude of the experience that they are entering into, particularly once they choose to inform and involve the children in their relationship. There is no way around the fact, that relationships involving children, require a commitment to their best interests, a willingness to consider every aspect of the relationship from multiple points of view and a level of maturity on the part of both adults that will allow them to work together proactively and cooperatively. That is where consciousness really does come into the equation. Consciousness and the need for it is a theme that weaves throughout all relationships involving children, be it during step dating, at the remarriage stage or after a couple has formed their new family. And it begins at that very early stage, even before the couple comes together. Conscious Dating involves having a clear vision of what you want in life, your purpose, values and the requirements that you are seeking in a relationship. It involves being very honest and clear about what it is you are intending to create in terms of a healthy relationship and also what you are not willing to accept when choosing a relationship. And the considerations and issues for single parents and singles without children will obviously be very different. The single person for example needs to ask themselves, does the relationship I envision for myself, involve someone else's children? And Single parents need to be aware of what they are looking for in a person that could be a potential stepparent to their children. These are honest, fair and necessary considerations that individuals need to be willing to make and be true to themselves around, if they are going to secure relationships that will ultimately be successful for them. The need for a conscious approach to step dating naturally flows into a consciousness around the issues that the couple will face once they are in a relationship with one another. Step Dating has much in common with life in a stepfamily and the complexities that get played out here require that the adults understand the dynamics and do not get tripped up by some of the common myths that prevail. Here are just a sample of issues and myths that you can expect to encounter in a step dating relationship: 1. Myth for Single Parents -- Your partner should unconditionally "love" your children -- if they love you they will love your children as they do their own. This is an expectation, whether articulated or not, that leads to extreme frustration on the part of both the biological parents and their partners. In my experience, most stepparents report not having the same kind of "love" for their stepchildren as they do or would expect to have, for their own biological children. This is not to say that they don't care for, respect, like and provide for their stepchildren in a way that conveys an interest in their well-being; in fact this is exactly what stepparents can do. But, the adult relationship shouldn't hinge on having the same feelings of love or the strong bond that biological parents have with their own children. And especially in the early stages of a step dating relationship -- to expect any kind of a significant bond to occur, will certainly be cause for disappointment, frustration and even resentment. Relationships take time and sometimes love between a stepparent or potential stepparent and stepchild evolves gradually. While not absolutely necessary for a successful relationship, it can be a wonderful gift for all involved if it develops naturally. 2. Myth for Singles Dating Single Parents -- My role is to co-parent with my partner and to become an equal parent in the raising the children. Nothing could be further from the truth. It is the responsibility of the biological parent to function as the primary parent with his/her children, especially during the dating phase. The role of the step-dating partner is to take on the role of a friend, a coach or a mentor to the child(ren), and the main task is to build trust in the child. Being in a hurry to parent, discipline or take an authority position with your partner's children is not only unhealthy and confusing for the children, it is also a recipe for relationship disaster. Supporting your partner in parenting and eventually sharing some of these responsibilities is something that should only take place after a significant period of time has passed in a committed relationship. 3. Myth for Everyone - Love Will Conquer All ! Those other people in failed step dating relationships or second marriages involving children, just didn't love each other enough. But We Do! Most couples who start out Step-Dating and go on to develop a permanent commitment loved each other very much and believed they had what it took to make it work. They may even have known that it wasn't going to be easy. But, believing that love will take care of everything and prevent the challenges of step-dating or stepfamily life, is a naïve idea. Love is undeniably very important, but learning specifics about what to expect and planning for it, will help couples make more informed relationship choices. Here is what we strongly advocate for: A. Knowing each other well B. Observing how the children interact within the new relationship C. Learning everything you can about stepfamily dynamics and your individual roles at various stages of relationship development D. Being willing to talk about and deal with issues; recognizing when you may need help to deal with issues and then being willing to reach out for support and/or coaching. Step-Dating is not for the faint of heart. However, if two people who have made conscious relationship choices based on what is truly important to them, and the children involved, enter the relationship with open hearts and minds, then they have taken the first important step. Accessing key information and support where necessary and continuing to be honest with themselves and one another as they test the waters of the relationship and the potential for a future together, gives them the best chance at building a healthy, happy relationship that may ultimately lead to a successful blended stepfamily. |
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·145 Tyee Dr. #1526 · Point Roberts, WA 98281
Expertly created and promoted by Website Promotion Experts, Inc.
Graphic design by Illusive Design - Contact Us Sales Policy Affiliates