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With nearly half of first marriages ending unhappily in divorce and an even higher percentage of second marriages following suit, it’s obvious that the overload of self help relationship books, the Dr-Phil-instant-therapy shows and prolific marriage counseling is not making a dent in preventing marriages from failing. But every now and again we discover a relationship book that has a WOW factor and that is Dr. Scott Haltzman’s groundbreaking, The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever.
Dr Haltzman, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University and a couples and individual counselor, astutely noticed that many men in counseling held back with a serious hesitation to express their feelings and fears. He launched a web site, www.secretsofmarriedmen as a forum to research and support husbands’ marriage skills, and after communicating with thousands of men, amassed a treasure trove of revealing information about men and marriage. The results have been skillfully distilled into this enlightening, practical guide that should be required reading for both men and women in relationships.
The book celebrates the equality of the sexes and acknowledges their innate strengths and skills. However, the distinguishing message is that there are real and undeniable biological and emotional differences between men and women that need to be understood and used to benefit the relationship, not to create more conflict. Men have been socialized to believe they aren’t good at relationships, as witnessed by the portrayal of inept husbands and boyfriends on situation comedies and movies; they’ve been shamed into thinking their biggest problem is they can’t communicate or express themselves like women and so they need to change.
The author explains, in a user-friendly style, why men don’t need to reinvent themselves by bringing out their feminine side to improve relationship skills. He describes the biological reasons why men and women differ in how they think and feel, particularly the structure of the brain that determines how we perceive the world, how we communicate and how we respond emotionally. It all begins to make sense why so many gender traits frustrate and irritate because we don’t understand them. Men have a more direct way of communicating while women have the ability to process information intermingling thoughts and feelings. Dr Haltzman humorously explains why men refuse to ask for directions and always have to hold the remote control, and why women can multi task with kids, prepare a meal and talk on the phone all at the same time.
Following the very compelling compare-and-contrast lesson on brain differences, the book devotes a chapter to each of the 8 strategies that happily married men have indicated are the most important factors for enjoying a happy marriage while maintaining a strong sense of themselves as male. The chapters include:
- Make your marriage your job
- Know your wife
- Be home now
- Expect conflict and deal with it
- Learn to listen
- Aim to please
- Understand the truth about sex
- Introduce yourself
Each chapter has personal anecdotes with insight and advice and useful TO DO lists to help organize the material and make it easy for everyone to follow the action steps.
This book is not an excuse for boorish behavior from either sex. It promotes maximizing on gender specific strengths by highlighting the differences between the sexes with the important message that neither sex has to be a slave to biology and each is capable of adapting. Many marriages fail because there are unrealistic expectations and bitter disappointments because of assumptions about how men and women should relate to each other. This book provides new and effective ways for men and women to understand and appreciate each other without losing the essential essence of their biology and their mental and physical make up. Dr Haltzman tells men they can improve and save their marriages precisely because they are men with innate skills to succeed in relationships.
The bottom line is that, “when men worked hard to improve their marriages using their inborn manly skills to put their wives’ needs above their own, not only did their marriages improve, but they were happier, and more fulfilled than at any other point in their lives”. And women with important and essential insight into why their husbands do what they do help their men to be more effective partners.
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