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There are a number of reasons why men and women are different, many of which have to do with our brain structure and our socialized roles as men and women which begin from birth. If we can start with some acceptance of that and then look for the ways in which to bridge these differences, instead of merely labeling them as inadequacies and failings, then we can establish a starting place from which to navigate the tumultuous waters in which we often find ourselves in our relationships.
Even in therapy, where the goal is to establish good working relationships between couples, there is often the belief being bantered about that men are the problem because of their ineptitude in the area of relationships. This is one place where we could really stand to re-frame things differently. If men are truly not as emotional, as receptive to emotion as women or as socialized to make relationships their primary objective, then why not work with that as a starting place of understanding from where we can move things forward.
This knowledge can be used to further our understanding of what might be happening or not happening in relationships, or it can be used to blame people for not having adequate relationship skills. In my experience, blame and judgement are not prime motivators for getting people to make changes in their lives. They actually fall more into the category of de-motivators, if there is such a word.
In his book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men, Dr. Scott Haltzman takes the discussion of how men can be successful in their marriages and relationships to a new level. While he is explaining some of why men do or don’t think about romance and relationships in the same way as their female counterparts, he is not excusing or giving men permission to avoid working on these aspects of their relationships. He is merely pointing out that men and women do speak different languages, so to speak, and that what is more important than the differences, is what can be achieved (in the absence of blame and judgment) when two people decide to rewrite the rules on their relationship and define their relationship they way they want to define it.
It is the very focus on the differences as problematic and the definitions of the “perfect marriage” or relationship, which can impede two people from being realistic about who they are, what they have to contribute, and what they want out of their life together. This is made more difficult of course because of the way in which our media portrays relationships as either perfect or hopeless, with very few good examples, of real people, with real differences, making their way through and creating a good life together.
Dr. Haltzman urges men to stop feeling inadequate, to shrug off the unrealistic expectations that they should be someone else, and to start playing their strongest suits in their relationships. He calls on men to apply the same attention to detail and eagerness to succeed to their relationships that they naturally put into their work or towards any project in which they’re involved.
The outcomes and results will probably look much different when a man and woman are both putting their all into a relationship – and that’s okay. The point is that the care, the attention, the intention, the effort and the willingness to do what it takes to have a good relationship are actually the ‘real’ makings of a strong relationship, despite what it looks like on the outside.
Dr. Haltzman’s book points out that both sexes are capable of making their relationships a priority – even if they do it in profoundly different ways. And both are also equally capable of accepting and respecting each other for their differences and encouraging each other to be the best they can be in their relationships.
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