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Friendship & Marriage
The StepHero™ Community Newsletter
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Preserve the Joy / Revive the Spark
The key to bringing joy back into your relationship is simple, yet profound, and summed up beautifully in the Valentine’s Day quote my husband gave me recently:
What is a Friend?
“A friend is one who never seems too busy to lend an ear or do a thoughtful deed . . .
to give advice, to help you solve a problem, or speak the words of caring that you need . .
“A friend is one who never seems too settled or complacent to understand when changes come along . . .
but accepts you, strengths and weaknesses together, whether you are right or you are wrong.
“A friend is one who knows you as you are, yet sees within you all that you can do or be someday . . .
who inspires and encourages your efforts with praise for every step along the way.
“A friend is one who’s there in good and bad times – whether your paths run close or far apart.
A friend is always there in mind and spirit – and most of all, a friend is there in heart.”
– Expressions/Hallmark
How do you cultivate a friendship between the two of you in a regular and meaningful way? By treating each other truly as valued, respected and admired friends and by being the friend that is described in the above poem – with your partner-in-life first and foremost.
Due to patterns and beliefs about marriage and commitment, we often treat out spouses worse than anyone else in our lives. The irony is that once you establish a firm commitment with your life partner, there is a safety to treat each other disrespectfully, rudely, and to take each other for granted in a way you just never would with a dear friend.
The beauty of applying the principle of friendship in your relationship is that you can start any time, and you can determine from day to day how you want to treat each other. This is something you have complete control over, and something that starts with you, from your heart – without attachment to how the other person responds.
Typically, when a person is treated with respect, honor, and admiration, they tend to want to reciprocate and naturally do so. If they do not, then you need to seriously look at what the past hurts and resentments that they are holding on to in order to protect themselves and keep themselves from getting wounded again. It may take some time for the trust to return, especially if there have been years of destruction due to allowing the pattern of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling to enter your lives. Their wounds can run deep and can take awhile to heal.
Choosing to treat each other as friends is a great place to start healing those wounds!
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Action Step
I invite you to re-read the poem at the beginning and to honestly assess to what degree each of you treats each other in the ways stated. Where do you find that you succeed in treating each other like dear friends? Where do you fall short? Where would you like to start putting your energy to improve your friendship?
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Additional Helps
For more information on ways to cultivate friendship in your marriage, I highly recommend the book:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John Gottman and Nan Silver
If the notion of being friends is so foreign and distasteful to you that you don’t know where to begin, I strongly encourage you to hire a coach or seek out a counselor to dig deep and pull out the roots of resentment that keep you from forgiving (or at least pardoning) and moving forward.
Wishing you and your blended family
all the best in 2008,
Emily Bouchard, founder,
www.Blended-Families.com
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