Logical Consequences
and Boundaries Help Kids

Feeling at your wits end because your stepchildren won't listen to you?

Looking for help with how to parent in a way that gets great results?

We continue our series on a parenting strategy that will transform your life and how your children behave, even when you're in the tough role of being the stepparent – the parenting strategy of logical consequences -- called Love and Logic.

From the time babies are born parents set limits for them in terms of their care and protection, and parents need to know, at whatever age, kids thrive on consistency and a feeling of security. As they grow they want to test the limits and it's the parents' job to let them know the boundaries are strong and the child can safely and securely explore and experience his world while learning that behavior has logical consequences.

It's never too early to start setting limits and allowing kids to learn from the logical consequences of choices. And it can all be done from a positive, loving place. Be aware – becoming an effective stepparent takes lots of practice. Here are a few areas where you can begin setting foundations of raising responsible, thinking, cooperative children in your blended family:

1. Bedtime
Many families struggle with setting up a bedtime routine and as a result find themselves in a battle zone every night with youngsters refusing to go to bed or constantly invading the parental bedroom in the middle of the night. Everybody ends up sleep deprived and very grumpy. If this sounds familiar, read on…

Action Step: Set a bedtime with a consistent routine that leads to the child being in her bedroom with the firm expectation that she will stay there, settle down and fall asleep. Parents can't force kids to fall asleep but they can set limits for children to stay in their rooms and allow control or choice about story or not, cuddle or not, light on or not, and so on. A calming down period 30 – 45 minutes before actual bedtime is useful to help children wind down, prepare for bed by washing and brushing teeth, and feel sleepy.

2. Meal times
Having a regular mealtime helps parents model good food choices as well as creates a sense of responsibility and cooperation in children of all ages. Research has also shown that regularly eating together as a family contributes to how happy a young person feels. Younger children can contribute by choosing between setting the table, clearing the dishes, or selecting a favorite dish once a week. As they get older they can increase responsibility and cooperation by helping with shopping and preparation. For stepchildren, meal times offer a consistent and fun opportunity to connect and learn the importance of being together and knowing each other.
Table manners can also be modeled and reinforced by allowing children to choose between behaving at the table or the logical consequence of missing a meal.

Action Step: Plan a meal where everyone contributes from a list of food choices and preparation jobs and clean up. Allow the youngest kids to choose from the easiest jobs to make them feel responsible and valued. Model and reinforce family table manners. The meal you choose could be once a week (like a Sunday Brunch; or every Wednesday night), but if you're only going to do it once a week, be sure to choose a meal when the most children (if not all) can be present. The meal you choose could be every night for dinner -- but only do this if it is realistic and can be followed through on with ease and grace. You don't want to create more stress for yourself. The idea is to come up with a plan together as a family that you think could work, give it a try and see how you feel about the results.

Every parent wants to raise responsible, self-confident happy children, and even though it's hard to imagine getting serious about this when they are cute babies or adorable, energetic toddlers, it's important to expose them to the logical consequences of behavior. As soon as they understand the connection between their behavior and the responses and reactions of their parents, it's time. Emily's grandson showed her stepdaughter he understood choices at age 13 months. “Katie” told him that they could go outside as soon as his shoes were on. She went to get the diaper bag, and he came toddling towards her with his shoes in his hands! A good thing to keep in mind is that by 8-9 months your kids surpass the family dog in intelligence and grasp the connection between their behaviors and consequences.