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Be Inspired , Not Just Tired
by Yvonne Kelly
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Grace Lanni's book takes a fresh look at what it's like to co-exist with teenagers, this species that has mutated from the innocent little children we loved and adored, into a new version of themselves that come across as awkward, often demanding, reclusive at times and in your face at others. They are definitely changing and we aren't always very comfortable with that. We often forget that this isn't easy for them either. Somehow it is their job to become an adult and the transformation can range from mildly uncomfortable to excruciatingly painful for them, and often for us.
So what make Grace's book different from many others out there – it takes an optimistic, rational and tactical approach to creating, repairing and building on the relationship you already have with your teen, starting from whatever point you are at right now. One of the things I took away from it was, accept where you are at right now with your teen and work from that point, accepting that there are things you can do create a connection with them, even if you aren't going to see the results immediately.
The other thing that struck me as I was reading Grace's book is that this is a book parents should be looking at even before hitting the teen years. Even though we largely misunderstand teens and the challenges they are going through, we also miss the absolute importance of valuing our children for who they are at any age, and the moment by moment opportunities we have with them to impact them in a positive way.
Every exchange with them holds the opportunity of building or tearing down their self-esteem, of building or severing our connection with them. And we'll all miss these from time to time, or even out of frustration, do or say things that won't be helpful to them at all, but there will be many other opportunities to optimize the relationship so we need to pick ourselves up and look for the next chance to make that connection or just listen to them when they're ready to talk to us.
It's really all about consciousness and that is a theme throughout Grace's book. We know that our lives, our interactions with our children and teens has an effect on who they are and who they will become but do we really remind ourselves of that on a regular basis so it is top of mind? If we did, I believe we would be better equipped to recognize the moments with our children that can inspire us, and we would also be actively looking for those instead of always looking for things to fix and problems to solve. Yes as parents we are "fixers" and problem solvers, but focusing only on those things makes it less likely that we'll also see the opportunities for celebrating our kids and opening up to them when they are ready.
I think the other facet of this book that is very valuable is the reminder to all of this that we have so much to learn from our intimate relationships and those that we have them with. Our kids, even in their bleakest moments, and our reactions to them, have something very powerful to teach us about ourselves. Why does that particular behavior trigger me so much – what's going on for me?
Our experiences have a lot to teach us about ourselves so when we can see that, even though the experiences may be difficult (and no one ever promised that parenting would be easy) then we can have an appreciation of our kids and especially our teens, that what they are giving us has some value for us as parents who also have a lot to learn about ourselves.
The tools that Grace gives us are also helpful in terms of really assessing what we know about our teen, what they know about us, and finding where these points of connection may be lacking so we have some idea where we can start to either re-connect or even begin connecting in the first place. We don't have to go flailing around in the dark without knowing if what we're doing make any sense if we have some way of assessing why the connection may be lacking in the first place.
The 'GET CONNECTED' process with the 7 STEPS is a great outline that is easy to follow, in order to get to the root of what is happening and how to take some steps to improve things. Remember if we don't understand them, and they don't understand us, we need to really begin with questions that will get to understanding before we can inspire a new, true connection.
The Steps Are:
- Breathe
- Compassion
- Inspiring Moment
- Mirror, Mirror
- Ask a Question and Let her Talk
- Request She Ask you a Question (powerful way to invite her/his feelings and thoughts and convey your interest in them)
- Ask her to Devise an Action Plan that Supports Her (or him)
I would recommend this book as a tool for parents with young children as much as for teens, because the earlier we begin creating opportunities for meaning, connectedness and inspiration, the better we will be at it when we hit what most people consider the 'difficult teen years.' Having that connection before we enter the teen years, will mean so much to our teens, even if they rarely acknowledge it or show it to us through their behaviors.
This is not the only book that you will need in order to adequately address some of the most complex teen issues that parents are dealing with and it wasn't intended to be. But it is a book that has value for parents regardless of the experiences you are having with your teen ranging from moderately difficult to extremely challenging because it reminds us of what is at the core of our relationships and the importance of always conveying our interest in keeping that connection with them even when times are tough. It's about unconditional acceptance of our kids, even if we don't unconditionally accept all of their behaviors and that's okay.
So whether your kids are already teens, or just teens in the making (pre-teen and younger) this is a book that has value in promoting consciousness in parenting and relationship building with your children and it also reminds us to allow ourselves to be inspired and enjoy the moments along the journey as well.
Parenting can be an exhausting job and even thankless at times, but the moments of connection go a long way towards balancing it all out. Expecting and preparing for both the work and the moments of connection is realistic and rewarding and will allow us to Be Inspired, not just Tired along the way.
To learn more about this unique and original book, and how to effectively use the Get Connected process, join Emily Bouchard on February 26th at 6pm PST / 9pm EST when she will interview author Grace Lanni as part of the www.blended-families.com Ask the Expert series.
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