Control Your Thoughts
To Get Relief From Pain

"Who is In Control of Your Thoughts and What to Do about Them?"

Dear Emily, I have enjoyed your newsletters a lot ..... now I have a question.....is anyone really in "full control" of what they do with their thoughts? ....they ought to be, but isn't that also part of the problem?

.... I recognize the distinction you draw between unwanted and unpleasant thoughts [perhaps "feelings" even more than thoughts] versus acting on or processing them, but how does one really address the discomfort.

....your brief prescriptions for 'inquiring' are sensible and would be helpful if the person can recognize the problem..... but my experience is that most people don't, unless forced to by negative feedback, external forces....so in your one-on-one sessions, how do you give people the insight and wherewithal to have that recognition and take charge, and even better, learn to anticipate situations and experiences that evoke the painful thoughts? --M.F., Houston, TX

Dear M.F., Great questions! I'm impressed to know that you read my newsletters and think about their meaning to you on such a deep level. The premise of what I teach is simple and straightforward, and not necessarily easy to do. Truly, we are beings who seek to avoid pain and move towards happiness. Simple.

With the tools I use, I help people identify their thinking and how their attachments to their beliefs are the root of their pain and suffering, much more so than anything being "done" to them. I don't negate the painful situation someone is facing – in fact I treat people with great compassion and understanding – and when they are ready for the suffering to end, they are open to seeing that the situation is an opportunity to gain insights about themselves and to be happier in the midst of whatever is in front of them.

When I do my work with people they typically go from a place of pain and tears to unexpected laughter, release and joy – which in turn leads them to a place of possibilities and options where before there were none.

Keep the questions coming! That's what this is all about! Read further to learn more about how to work with the thoughts that you are going to continue to have, so that they don't have to cause you as much pain as they have in the past.

In Joy, Emily B.

Turning It Around

Playing with the judgments and negative thoughts you have about someone else can be a liberating experience and can offer options and possibilities in a new way. Now let's take this concept a step further. By choosing to do this, you protect your child from the intensity and the power of your anger. And, you get to take care of yourself first, as a way to be even more present and available to your children in the future. By owning your own stuff first, and not passing it to your kids, you get to break a cycle that has been in place for generations! That's what being a "StepHero" is all about.

Let's start with the premise that there are only 3 kinds of business in the world: Yours, Mine, and God's (or the Universe or Fate or Reality . . .) When I am in someone else's business, I have stepped outside of my own business and into theirs. In a very real sense, I abandon myself the moment I focus on what someone else needs to change in order for the world to be a better place.

Abandonment is a major emotional issue for many people, especially in blended families. The feelings you have around being abandoned will be heightened the moment you focus on others. Turning around your judgmental thoughts about someone else and seeing these thoughts as they relate to you, gives you the direct experience of getting honest with yourself and getting yourself back. The switch is instantaneous – from abandonment to presence.

Here's how it works. Take any statement that you have about someone else, the more petty and judgmental the better, and see what it looks like when you replace their name with the words "I" or "me". If your judgment is about a thing or about yourself, then replace the subject with "my thinking" and see what that looks like and feels like when you read it.

Here's an example from a session with a woman who is tired of feeling angry and resentful towards her ex-husband. One of her statements about her "ex" was: "I am angry at my ‘ex' because he never takes responsibility." The turn around to that statement could be: "I am angry at myself because I never take responsibility – with him the way I want to/need to." Or "I am angry at myself because I never take responsibility – with myself in regard to him and the kids." Or "I'm angry at my thinking because it never stops wanting him to take responsibility."

With each turn-around statement, you make the switch and say it out loud, trying it on, to see if the statement is just as true, if not truer, than the original one. A great practice is to find three examples of evidence that the turn arounds are just as true, if not more so, in your life.

What I love about the turn-around is that it invites the speaker to truly take responsibility, get honest, and see in what ways they are not any better than the person they are sitting in judgment of. Once their humanity is acknowledged, and even embraced, most people feel a sense of joy and relief, and are then able to see what they need to do in a given situation – instead of feeling like they are the victim of what someone else is doing or not doing.

The gift in turning judgments around is that situations that were once depressing and miserable become empowering opportunities. Once you stop abandoning yourself and get back into your business, pain and suffering greatly diminish and you get to experience more joy and peace instead. What have you got to lose?

Action Step: If you have someone or something in your life right now that you really believe should be different somehow, make the statement and then turn it around. Play with different ways to turn it around and see what emerges for you.

Resources: For a better understanding of turning statements around, I recommend the book Loving What Is by Byron Katie. You can also learn more about The Work by visiting www.thework.org

To hear Katie doing The Work with three members of the StepHeroes Community, check out: http://www.blendedfamilyexperts.com/byron-katie/recording/.

To schedule a private, professional coaching session to become free of your pain around your current challenge with the "ex" in your life, contact us now.