Rejecting Stepchildren
and
How to Connect With Them

The StepHero^™ Community Newsletter

Why Stepchildren Physically Reject the New Parent One of the reasons that touching is such a conflict-ridden subject in blended families is because a stranger, or strangers, have entered into the family and, while the children’s parent is comfortable touching this new adult, the children have no reference point. They did not choose this new adult in their lives. And they’ve actually been strongly conditioned in our society to not trust strangers, to be wary, and to create barriers to connecting with others outside of their immediate family. Children learn to discriminate from watching their parents. They determine who is safe and who is not by seeing how their parents respond to the strangers that enter their lives. This method of learning discernment is shattered when parents divorce. Suddenly someone who was good to live with and be with every day is no longer held in the same position. Then, parents fall in love again and add to the mix someone new and often expect their children to embrace them as their new parent and family member. The children want to believe that this new person is safe, and yet, they need to determine this for themselves, as they know that they can no longer rely on their parent to be a good judge of character. As a stepparent, it is critical that you understand this and that you do not expect or demand the immediate respect and affection of your stepchildren. When stepparents pick up on the resistance of their stepchildren, they often take it personally and react by getting angry and frustrated; by withdrawing and only minimally interacting with the children; or by working really hard to figure out how exactly to give the children what they want in order to win their love, acceptance and approval. New Strategy: Get Curious Here’s another option that seems to have the most lasting, positive effect for stepparents and stepchildren. Simply meet your stepchildren where they are. Be genuinely curious about them and inquire about what’s going on for them, especially in relationship to you. When you reach out and are met with a cold shoulder, name it. Not from a hurt or defensive place, but from a place of curiosity. Something like, “Brrrrr. That was cold. What happened for you when I reached out for you like that?” or “Seems like the last thing you want from me right now is a hug, huh? Can you tell me more?”… The beauty of this strategy is that by not reacting to or resisting the responses of your stepchildren, you give them nothing to fight against. By meeting them with love, compassion, curiosity, and empathy, you get to connect with them with whatever they are wrestling with at the moment. The key in all of this is to not take their behaviors, reactions, or responses personally. Simple concept, yet not necessarily easy to do. Know that every time you have an emotional reaction OTHER THAN LOVE to one of your stepchildren that you have taken their behaviors personally and you are not connecting with them at that moment. Let your emotional reactions be a reminder to not take their words personally, and to get curious about who they are and what they are feeling. By the way, this works exceptionally well in your relationship with your partner or spouse too!

Action Step Think of the most obvious triggers to your emotions. What is it in particular that one of your stepchildren does that drives you crazy, makes you furious, sends you into total withdrawal… For me it was their biting sarcasm. Once you’ve got the behavior that gets to you, visualize yourself in a recent scene with that child and see them doing what pushes your buttons. Then, see yourself responding from a neutral place. Tell yourself that they need to defend themselves, that they are trying to determine if they can trust you or not, and then consciously decide how you’d like to respond. See yourself choosing to be empathetic and understanding. Ask curious questions around that behavior and see the child’s face soften, see them disarmed, as you are no longer an enemy to fight with. Know that this tool is more powerful than any defensive weapon you’ve used in the past, and know that there’s nothing that child can do to hurt or harm you. Feel yourself empowered and clear, and feel the love you have for the child, for your family, flow through you to them all. And know that when you connect to that love, you can handle whatever tests those children choose to use to see if you really are trustworthy. If you find yourself challenged by the above Action Step, contact me at to schedule a coaching session to get you unstuck. Wishing you and your blended family all the best, Emily Bouchard, founder, www.Blended-Families.com