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Step Wars:
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Remarriage for couples with adult children often represents an unexpected but welcome chance at a happy and loving relationship, particularly after the death of a spouse, a difficult divorce, or many years alone. There is the traditional expectation that the marriage will be long and happy and the newly created blended family will share in the couple's obvious warmth and contentedness. And, unlike younger blended families with school age kids, the older couple can concentrate on each other without the stress and tension around raising each other's kids. In many cases, this dream situation works out, but often it takes time, understanding and a reassessment of expectations. In their best selling book, Step Wars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace in Adult Stepfamilies, Grace Gabe, M.D. and Jean Lipman-Blumen, Ph.D.describe and discuss the issues and problems in adult stepfamilies, from in-depth research data gathered from numerous focus groups and individual interviews with people in all the major roles in stepfamilies. They have amassed a treasure trove of enlightening and useful information that will educate and guide anyone in an adult stepfamily. One common burning question is, “Why would mature, independent, married adult children have a negative reaction to their parent's happy remarriage?” You would think they would be elated that a mother or father is enjoying a new relationship. Or that they would be too busy and absorbed in their own lives to have much energy for the remarriage except to acknowledge they now don't have to worry about mom or dad being alone. The authors explain that much of the pain in adult stepfamilies is due to excessively high expectations on the part of the older couple and with personal anecdotes and professional insight, they illustrate why the high expectation of loving acceptance can be dashed with the surprising negative reaction from their independent and mature children.
• Download Blended-Families.com's interview
of Dr. Grace Gabe & Jean Lipman-Blumen on Overcoming Step Wars for only $19.95. Expectations shape attitudes, responses, role definition and behavior and in a blended family, establish the sense of family and connectedness. If there is a high expectation that adult children will embrace the new relationship, will accept the affection offered and value the new family, there will be hurt feelings that turn to anger and resentment when there is rejection, cynicism, lack of enthusiasm or hostility. Grace and Jean advise couples to revise their expectations by recognizing and acknowledging the adult children's feelings, defining a role that helps you thrive, and understanding that different families have different emotional timetables. Their research showed that those stepparents who were low key about establishing close relationships with adult children had an easier time in the long run. They were not immediately gushy or affectionate and their lower expectation of merging into a happy family caused less hurt from rejection and a greater likelihood they would connect when the adult children were ready to warm up. Initially, they expected to treat adult stepchildren like peers in the workplace; polite, fair and charming but not pushy, with a healthy wait and see attitude. On the other hand, stepparents with higher expectations of mutual affection were hurt more easily and more often. They were angry and resentful when given the cold shoulder or rejected as they bent over backwards to forge a loving relationship. Their need for validation of their good intentions created a negative effect because it actually impeded the development of a genuine, natural and unforced friendship with their stepchildren. Overall, the authors caution that building trust and friendship takes time and is often a two-step forward, one-step back process, over a number of years. And, just as the authors describe the Five Furies that have a negative effect on unhappy adult stepfamilies, they describe the Five Saving Graces that most successful stepfamilies have in common. These are described as “the hidden rewards that lie within every adult stepfamily”, in other words, the positives, the advantages, the assets and the opportunities that can enhance the life of a stepfamily and help it connect and grow, whether it's long established or brand new. The Five Saving Graces
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ResourcesWe at Blended-Families.com encourage you to pick up Dr Gabe and Dr. Lipman-Blumen's book either at the local library or online. |
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·145 Tyee Dr. #1526 · Point Roberts, WA 98281
Expertly created and promoted by Website Promotion Experts, Inc.
Graphic design by Illusive Design - Contact Us Sales Policy Affiliates
